Prosocial Science

Dealing With an ex Spouse –

How Can I Possibly Manage?

 

You are now divorced.  It’s tough.  You have a lot of readjusting to do.  You may have physical, emotional, financial, social, and aspirational adjustments and healing to deal with.  That retirement picture you had in your head?  It’s going to be different.  Your constellation of friends and their dynamics?  They are going to be different.  Your finances?  They too are likely to be different.  You need to take care of yourself and to do what you need to do to make wise decisions.

A major consideration that needs to be addressed is what kind of relationship (if any) you choose to have with your ex partner.  Presumably you and your partner were in love when you married or decided to live together.  Over the years, you have probably come to cherish some of their “perfect imperfections”.  It would be unreasonable to think that those things will simply vanish.  They won’t.  Even if that person turned out to be a monster, there are still some qualities you are likely to miss.

1.  Honour Your Emotions:  Be aware of your emotions and try to label them as anger, hurt, emptiness, loss; the list can go on.  But you loved that person once, and you may still.  Don’t be dishonest with yourself.  Don’t try to convince yourself that you are exceptionally happy if you aren’t.  If you still have warm feelings and good memories of your partnership, cherish them.  Your friends should respect your feelings and memories too.

2.  What to Say:  If or when you have contact with your ex partner, be respectful.  It’s OK to say that you need time to get yourself together, and it’s OK to say that you haven’t figured out how your future contacts will look, or even if there will be any.  It’s also quite OK (and advisable) to remember that you loved them and have no intention of dishonouring them.  Part of that respect means that it’s OK to tell them that you will cherish the good times you had together.  Part of your respect for your ex and yourself might be to make sure they know you still have feelings for them (if you do), and it’s unfortunate that things unfolded as they did (if that is truly how you feel).  This is not necessarily to say that you want to rebuild the relationship you had.

3.  Decide on Contact Concerns:  This part is tough.  Divorce is not fun to say the least, and you may not want to have any contact with your ex at all – at least for now.  It might be best to have some breathing space while you readjust.  If you have children, pets, or other joint responsibilities, you have no choice.  Assuming there are no safety issues to be concerned with, your children’s interests must take priority. A popular piece of advice you might hear about is the “No Contact Rule“. Click on the link to take you to a page that will outline the rationale, pros, and cons of this practice.

4.  Focus on Co-Parenting:  Do not use your children as weapons or tools to inconvenience or hurt your ex.  For the sake of your children’s safe development, cooperate with your ex.  Prioritize their well-being and maintain open and respectful communication regarding parenting matters. Keep discussions child-centered, and strive to co-parent in a cooperative and supportive manner.  Your children will remember how honourable or nasty you were to them – and your ex, whom they likely still love.  See Children and Separation or Divorce.

5.  Establish Boundaries:  Clearly define boundaries with your ex-spouse to create emotional and physical space. This can include setting limits on communication, avoiding discussing personal matters unrelated to co-parenting or shared responsibilities, and establishing guidelines for interactions.

6.  Welcome Support:  It can be beneficial to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help process your emotions and navigate the challenges of post-divorce interactions. Having someone to talk to can provide guidance and validation during this transitional period.  Sometimes it’s best just to get things off your chest.  Writing things down in a diary helps, but it’s not as good as sharing your thoughts aloud with another person present.  If that person cares about you, it’s even better.

7.  Practice Self-Care:Take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally. Engage in activities that bring you joy, reduce stress, and promote overall well-being. This can include hobbies, exercise, self-reflection, or seeking professional help if needed.

8.  Maintain Boundaries with Mutual Friends and Family:When you and your ex-spouse share mutual friends or family members, it’s important to establish and maintain boundaries. Communicate your preferences for social interactions if necessary.  You may not want to attend social events in which your ex partner brings a new potential partner.  You may not want your friends to tell you anything that pertains to your ex’s love life.  If they are reasonably smart people, they should know these things.  It would be smart to let them know how you feel.

9.  Reframe Your Perspective:Shift your focus away from the past (but honour it) and toward the future.  Embrace personal growth, new opportunities, and positive changes in your life.  Allow yourself time to heal and move forward while acknowledging that healing is a gradual process.  Take things one day at a time.  It will probably continue to hurt for a very long time, but it will hurt less as time goes on.

10. Consider Mediation or Counseling:  If communication and interactions with your ex-spouse remain difficult or contentious, mediation or counseling can help facilitate productive conversations and assist in resolving any lingering issues. These processes can provide a neutral space for finding common ground and reaching agreements.

11.  Establish a Means of Communicating:  If you have joint responsibilities such as children or pets, you will need to be able to communicate.  Share email addresses if you haven’t already, unless there are overriding safety concerns.  This is to be used ONLY for joint responsibilities, unless of course you have agreed to different boundaries.  Do not intentionally use children as go-betweens.  This line of communication is not for legal matters if lawyers are involved, nor should it be used for any purpose other than to coordinate your decisions and behaviour regarding your joint responsibilities and agreements.  Do not contaminate your line of communication with any other matters – you do not want your ex partner to block you because you are abusing this system with issues that are not agreed upon.  If one or both of you become abusive (e.g., insulting, blaming, threatening), your communications system is not ready for use.  Think about this.  This is for respectful communications about your joint responsibilities and interests.

12.  Relationships Can Evolve:  A divorce does not mean that you cannot have another form of relationship. You shared significant portions of your life together as life partners, presumably because you liked or loved each other. Friendships or partnerships of another type are not prohibited. Honour the love you shared, and perhaps allow the relationship to evolve into something new.

 

The experiences you have had with your separation and divorce are certainly among the most difficult you might ever face.  For most people, a divorce is a loss, much like experiencing the death of a loved one.  Respect the survivors and their feelings.  Take one day at a time, take care of yourself, and the hurt will become easier to bear.

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