Prosocial Science

Separation

Your Separation Guide

According to the Family Mediation Group

“A separation agreement is first and foremost a legal document.  It is your contract that outlines terms regarding child custody, property division, child and spousal support, what happens with your retirement funds, debts and other financial matters.  In addition, it serves to spell out other terms that may be important to you, such a religious upbringing of children, dietary preferences, insurance coverage and more.  It is important, therefore, that this document is well written and adequately reflective of your intentions.”  You may be reading this because you are considering a legal separation from your partner, or your partner has indicated to you that it is something the two of you need to consider.  Obviously, separation agreements are often emotional because they signal the possible end of a significant relationship.  One would be a very unusual person if the suggestion of a separation does not cause a good deal of distress.  It is a suggestion that can bring on a range of very intense emotions.  This article is intended to help you put words to your emotions and perhaps help you understand what is happening to you.

While a separation agreement is a very important document for the future of your partner, your family, and you, it usually has another very important element; it is usually a “cooling off” period that forces you to think carefully about the future.

 

 

Here are some of the reasons people become intensely emotional about a separation:

1.  Loss and Grief:  Separation suggests the loss of a partnership you once treasured, and perhaps you still do.  It threatens the loss of companionship, physical comfort, love, and a future that you may have hoped to attain together.  Both of you may experience a sense of grief and mourn the end of their relationship.  They may go through various stages of grieving, such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, which can manifest as emotional outbursts, sadness, or mood swings.  But keep in mind that a separation does not mean that a divorce is inevitable.  It is breathing space too.

2.  Uncertainty and Fear:  Separation agreements often bring uncertainty about the future.  People may worry about their financial stability, living arrangements, child custody, and the overall impact the separation will have on their lives.  Fear of the unknown can trigger anxiety and heightened emotions.

3.  Disappointment and Betrayal:  It isn’t rocket science to understand that cases where the separation is due to infidelity, betrayal, or broken trust has happened, emotions are strong.  Feelings of disappointment, anger, and resentment can make the process even more emotional and challenging.  Again, a separation agreement can be a “cooling off” period in which the two of you can poke your heads up and decide what the future will look like for you, your partner, and your family.

 

 

4.  Changes in Roles and Identity:  Separation requires individuals to consider what their roles and identity might become outside of the relationship.  This may entail new routines and responsibilities, and fear of the unknown is quite usual.

5.  Impact on Children:  If there are children involved, the emotional toll of a separation agreement will be magnified.  Concerns about co-parenting, custody arrangements, and the overall well-being of the children are of paramount importance to all parties involved.

6.  Shared History and Memories:  The possibility that your relationship is ending will necessarily force you to think about the separation of shared assets, property, and memories.  Sorting through and sharing family pictures for example, can be pretty tough on most people.

7.  Communication and Conflict:  Negotiating the terms of a separation agreement can be challenging, especially when communication breaks down or conflicts arise.  Being angry and confrontational can certainly complicate negotiations, and you need to keep this in mind. You are talking about your possible future, and the future of someone else who should remain special to you, if only for the memories.  Don’t just throw up your hands and surrender everything to avoid conflict.  You should ensure that you get good legal advice from a lawyer or if possible, an accredited mediator.

8.  Emotional Attachments:  It seems pretty obvious that you once had warm feelings for your partner, and maybe you still do.  Navigating these emotions while trying to establish boundaries and move forward can be emotionally demanding.  Whether a separation or divorce happens or not, you can still be friends who value the memories you shared.

 

If you have any suggestions for others, or suggestions to improve this page, please visit the Discussion Forum and let us know.  We welcome any opportunity to help others make use of what you have experienced in your relationships.
The author generated this text in part with GPT-3, OpenAI’s large-scale language-generation model. Upon generating draft language, the author reviewed, edited, and revised the language and content to their own preferences and expertise and takes ultimate responsibility for the content of this publication.  The information provided is offered in good faith, and reader is solely responsible for how they make use of the information.
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