Prosocial Science

Now What Should I Do?

Stop and think before you do anything…

You are hurt.  You have discovered that your partner was unfaithful.  Discovering that your partner has had an affair can be an unimaginably painful nightmare. An emotionally challenging experience to say the least.  You are most definitely not alone.

The degree of pain for you might vary on how your partner was unfaithful; was it a long-standing affair?  A “fling”?  Was it “sexting” or a “virtual” type of relationship?  Regardless of the type of interaction your partner had with someone else, it is clearly distressing – and would be for most people.  Here are some considerations for dealing with the knowledge that your partner has strayed.

1.  Allow Yourself to Feel:  As trite as it may sound, this is important. It is normal to experience a wide range of emotions, such as anger, betrayal, sadness, confusion, and hurt, when you discover your partner’s affair.  Give yourself permission to feel and process these emotions in your own time and in a way that feels right for you.  Let it happen – if your body feels it needs to cry, let it.

2.  Anger:  Anger is a very normal reaction to discovering that your partner has been unfaithful to you.  You would be a very unusual person if you didn’t feel hurt and angry.  Do remember though, that the way you express your anger is your greatest initial challenge.  Throwing her clothes out the window, or taking a baseball bat to his car are very counter-productive.  Do NOT harm anyone or their property.

3.  Revenge:  There are many people (mostly men) who are in prison for seeking some form of revenge when they find out that their partner has been unfaithful.  Women can also be very violent too of course.  If you commit a violent act, you will likely go to jail and your credibility is destroyed.  If you are a parent, you will not see your children as often (if at all), and you will have made the situation much, much worse.  You are important to other people and they rely on you to be sensible.  No violence!

 

 

4.  Seek Support:  Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist to help you navigate the emotional turmoil.  Sharing your feelings and thoughts with supportive individuals can provide comfort, validation, and guidance as you process the affair.  Use your support system; people you trust and respect.  Your friends may be very angry that you are hurt too, and you need to take their anger into consideration when you think about the advice they might give you.

 

 

5.  Your Values:  Your partner’s unfaithful act does not necessarily mean that your life together is over.  Too often, relationships that can heal are terminated simply because one partner has violated a principle that the other holds dear.  It does not necessarily mean that your partner hates you, no longer loves you, thinks that you are “not enough”, or has lost respect for you.  Do NOT act rashly.  Pride and principles are important, but they should not necessarily do your thinking for you.  You need to think calmly and sensibly to make smart decisions.  Others may be counting on you.

 

 

6.  Communicate and Seek the Truth:  Open and honest communication with your partner is very important after an affair is discovered.  Express your feelings, concerns, and questions, and allow your partner to explain their actions.  It may be helpful to establish a safe and non-confrontational environment for these discussions, potentially with the assistance of a therapist or mediator.

7.  Take Time to Reflect:  Give yourself space and time to reflect on the state of your relationship and whether you want to work towards rebuilding it.  Consider your needs, values, and the feasibility of rebuilding trust and forgiveness.  Do not act rashly.  You do not need to make any huge decisions right away.  You need to be sensible, so use some time to think things through carefully.

8.  Consider Professional Help:  If both you and your partner are willing to work on repairing the relationship, consider seeking professional help from a couples therapist.  A therapist can assist you in navigating the complex emotions and dynamics resulting from the affair and help you communicate effectively.  Your counselor may be able to guide you through the process of healing and rebuilding trust.

9.  Rebuilding Trust:  It’s always a good idea to leave doors open for yourself.  Right now you may think your relationship is over – but consider that there is a possibility that things can be repaired.  Rebuilding trust after an affair takes time and effort from both partners.  It requires transparency, honesty, and consistent actions that demonstrate a commitment to change and rebuilding the relationship.  Establishing new boundaries and rebuilding intimacy is a gradual process that requires ongoing communication and effort.

10.  Self-Care:  Take care of yourself during this challenging time.  Engage in self-care activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. This may include engaging in hobbies, exercise, spending time with supportive loved ones, or seeking individual therapy to process your own emotions.  It may be wise to talk to your doctor if you feel as though you cannot cope.  Do not dismiss the idea that taking an antidepressant may help you in the short term without the doctor’s advice.

11.  Consider the Future:  Ultimately, deciding whether to stay in the relationship or pursue separation or divorce is a deeply personal choice.  Others may be counting on you to make good choices.  Take the time you need to consider what is best for your overall happiness and well-being in the long term.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with the aftermath of an affair.  The process of healing and rebuilding trust takes time, effort, and open communication from both partners.  It’s important to prioritize your own emotional well-being throughout this journey and make choices that align with your values and needs.

People who hope to learn more about this and other topics can benefit from your experiences and would like to know about what advice you can offer.  Please consider sharing your experiences, and ask or answer questions they might have by participating in our discussion page.

 

The author generated this text in part with GPT-3, OpenAI’s large-scale language-generation model. Upon generating draft language, the author reviewed, edited, and revised the language and content to their own preferences and expertise and takes ultimate responsibility for the content of this publication.  The information provided is offered in good faith, and reader is solely responsible for how they make use of the information.
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