Children and divorce or separation. If you and/or your partner have children, you MUST be responsible and take extra care to ensure that they do not become victims or weapons you use to hurt your partner. Obviously your children, whether they are yours or not, deserve your respect and consideration. As a parent, it’s your duty to prioritize the well-being of your children and support them throughout the process. Here are some important considerations when dealing with children and separation:
1. Open and Honest Communication: Be open with your children about the situation in an age-appropriate manner. Avoid sharing unnecessary details but reassure them that both parents love them and that the separation is not their fault.
2. Provide Stability and Routine: Children thrive on stability and routine. Try to maintain consistent schedules and routines as much as possible to provide them with a sense of security during this transitional period.
3. Encourage Expression of Feelings: Allow your children to express their feelings and emotions openly. Listen to their concerns and validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with them. Their feelings are real to them; acknowledge and reassure them.
4. Avoid Involving Children in Conflicts: Shield your children from adult issues and avoid using them as messengers between you and your ex-partner. Keep adult discussions away from them and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent (this is known as “parental alienation“). When one parent tries to get back at the other through their children, the courts will not be pleased, your lawyer’s fees will go through the roof, and your children will not forget how they were used. Don’t do it.
5. Co-parenting Cooperation: If possible, work on co-parenting effectively with your ex-partner. Collaborate on major decisions regarding your children’s education, healthcare, and other important aspects of their lives. If cooperation becomes problematic, your lawyer or your local family court can tell you about special electronic communication applications that will help.
6. Be Consistent with Discipline: It’s important to present a united front when it comes to rules and discipline. Discuss appropriate consequences for misbehavior and apply them consistently in both households.
7. Seek Professional Support if Needed: If you notice significant changes in your children’s behavior or emotions, consider seeking the help of a child psychologist or therapist to provide additional support. During divorce proceedings, this will likely be a question the judge asks – “Did you provide counseling opportunities for your children. If not, why not?”
8. Allow Them to Spend Time With Both Parents: Unless safety concerns are present, encourage your children to maintain a loving relationship with both parents. Regular contact with both parents can be critical for their emotional well-being. You will be their parents for the rest of your lives. Be loving and caring towards them. They may resent the parent for restricting access to the other parent, and they will not forget.
9. Take Care of Yourself: Parenting during a separation or a divorce can obviously be very difficult. Make sure to take care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you can be there for your children. You may be less than helpful to your children if you don’t.
10. Reassure Them of Your Love: Remind your children frequently that you love them, and your love for them will not change, despite the separation or the divorce.
11. Who’s Your Daddy? As a general rule, it is unwise to allow your children to refer to your new male partner as their new father, or your new female partner as their new mother. Very few things are as likely to cause your ex partner to go ballistic as taking away the titles that rightly belong to them. They are NOT the new mother or father, and your children do not need the role ambiguity that might result. There may be exceptions to this rule, but consider the matter very carefully.
Each child may react to separation or divorce differently, depending on their age and personality. They know that the world as they will be changing in ways they may not understand or condone. It’s necessary to be patient, understanding, and supportive throughout the process, helping them adjust to the new situation in a healthy and loving manner. If needed, consider seeking professional help to navigate the challenges of separation with your children effectively.
People who hope to learn more about this and other topics can benefit from your experiences and would like to know about what advice you can offer. Please consider sharing your experiences, and ask or answer questions they might have by participating in our discussion page.