OK. Your partner is upset because you were caught viewing porn. You shared that information with her or she noticed on the computer or your phone that you were looking at naked people and perhaps watching their sexual activities. You may not understand what the panic is all about, but because it is influencing things that go on in your relationship (in a less than positive way), it is something you feel you ought to deal with. If you don’t feel this way, you might be damaging your relationship. In this article we are talking about erotic videos or images that are viewed online or in magazines, and we will assume that your partner is a woman (but many of these factors hold true if you are a man upset that your female partner views porn).
Most men do not understand why their female partner might be upset with them for viewing pornography. Of course, it sometimes happens the other way around too – he might not like the fact that his female partner is viewing porn. As with most (if not all) relationship issues, communication is key to understanding what the concern is all about, how to talk about it, and how to move on in a mutually respectful and happy way.
First, let’s look at the reasons that people might be upset about why porn is being used by their partners. The reasons are often influenced by cultural or religious beliefs, past experiences, personal values, the current state of their relationship, and some assumptions a person might make.
Let’s make it very clear from the start that many men and women love using porn, many are not bothered by it at all, and some are deeply offended by it. Let’s look at the more common concerns people can have, and then we can provide some guidelines about how couples can talk about it respectfully and clearly.
Some people see the use of porn as a form of infidelity. Why is my partner looking for sexual gratification from someone other than me? I feel rejected, not wanted, or perhaps inadequate. If he is watching porn secretly, maybe I can’t trust him.
Some people believe that when you look at a naked person, you are objectifying them – as though they are no longer a person, but rather a piece of meat to be used without due respect, and they might see this as degrading to women.
It’s possible that some models have been forced by economic conditions or threats to do things that they would normally never do if they had a choice. Like most human activities, this is true in some cases.
Most erotic imagery showcases men and women who have bodies that can be more beautiful than our own. Your partner may compare themselves to the performers, and since you are watching them, maybe they are more desirable to you than she is.
The sexual behaviour displayed in the videos is exaggerated and many of the positions the performers display are unnatural. Sometimes some of the acts depicted are ones that are distasteful to your partner. Your partner may feel that they simply cannot compete with the people seen in the video and are therefore insecure, or they may feel disgust. If they think that you like certain acts that are depicted, they may feel some degree of disgust towards you.
In most cultures, participating in sexual activity outside of a marriage and/or outside the privacy of a bedroom is simply wrong and sinful. Indeed, some activities may result in severe punishment or death in some cultures. Those who derive gratification from viewing others sinning in this way are often seen as guilty as well, because it may be seen as sinful and also supportive of a sinful industry.
If one of you feels that your partner is not meeting the sexual needs of the other and they are using pornography for sexual gratification, your partner may feel that she is just not enough for you and therefore feels rejected or sexually incompetent. If her needs are not being met and you are using pornography, she may be upset that you are not paying enough attention to the intimacy of your relationship with her.
It’s possible that excessive use of pornography can lead to problematic behaviour. Time taken to view pornography may be seen as time taken away from your partner, and if there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship, then this is probably true. Excessive use of pornography might even create a disinterest in real-life intimacy. If you believe that your relationship lacks intimacy, improving the quality of your relationship should become the focus of your efforts.
While you may not agree with her, she has some reason(s) that cause her to feel uncomfortable or angry about your use of porn. She is uncomfortable, and that is likely not something you want for her. Unless you are prepared to give up watching porn immediately, you mission now it to talk to her about it.
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Please – men and women – visit the discussion forum and share your observations and views!
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You and your partner chose each other and are on the same team. You need to take care of her just as you need to take care of yourself. Communicating with her about this issue is almost certainly something that can improve your relationship.
Your goal in this step is to introduce the topic. You want her to understand that you love and desire her, and the last thing you want is for her to feel hurt or insecure and that your feelings for her have not changed in any way.
It is only natural that she may become easily defensive. She might expect to hear rejection or disrespect, and she may feel that you no longer desire her. She may feel confrontational – don’t fall into any negativity. Terminate that effort temporarily if this happens.
Possible opening statements;
“I want to talk openly and honestly about something I’ve done that has upset you. I sure don’t want to harm our relationship because it is very important to me, and I don’t want you to be hurt or angry. Can we take a few minutes to do that?”
If she says “No”, or “Later”, or if she says that she has activities planned that may interrupt your discussion, say “OK, we can do it later” and leave it there.
Begin this step by saying something like;
“I know that you don’t like that I have been using porn. It has made you uncomfortable and I don’t want that. I want to make sure that I understand your thoughts and feelings about this, and maybe I can help you understand mine. Is this OK with you?”
DO NOT invalidate or dismiss her feelings; they are hers, and that is how she feels. Let her express herself fully, interrupting only when you don’t understand something she said. You are helping her express herself to you, so don’t argue or express yourself in a negative or argumentative tone. She is sharing her thoughts – do not interrupt with your own views.
Verify that you have understood what she has said by summarizing what she has told you, and let her correct you if you didn’t understand it well.
Once she feels heard, explain that you would like to share your thoughts on this topic.
Your mission in this step is to share your thoughts or views about porn. Ask her not to interrupt unless she doesn’t understand something. Say “Please let me finish before I forget what I want to explain.” Do not get defensive or confrontational.
Make sure you reassure her by saying things like;
“Now I think I understand why this bothers you. I need you to know that I never want you to feel uncomfortable or insecure, and I sure don’t want you to think that I’m not satisfied with you. I chose YOU to be my life partner, and I think I made a good choice.”
If she remains unhappy about the issue . and you really don’t want to damage your relationship, introduce the idea of a compromise by saying something like;
“I don’t want this to be a source of tension between us. What can we do to find a middle ground that works for both of us?”
If she flat-out refuses to compromise, and you feel like giving up porn is unrealistic for you, that’s a sign of deeper incompatibility that might need professional guidance.
Please – men and women – visit the discussion forum and share your observations and views!
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