Prosocial Science

Supporting a Friend

How to support your friend(s)

 

Your friend is going through a very difficult time.  Someone in his/her relationship is thinking about a separation or divorce, one of the processes is underway, or perhaps the divorce has already occurred.  Your friend may experience huge physical, emotional, financial, social, and aspirational costs that are “rocking their world” as they know it.

If you were a close friend, odds are that you are also friends with their partner.  Both of them are dealing with one of the roughest events a person can go through – and if you are reading this, it means that you are wondering how you can be supportive to a person or couple who have been supportive of you over the years.

YOU can be a huge help; consider the following:

  1.  Consider Neutrality:  You are not obliged to take sides.  You may not approve of what has happened, and you may be angry at one person, but being judgmental is not likely to be very helpful.  In fact, you may be making matters worse by inserting your values, assumptions, comments or behaviours where they may not be welcomed.  There is a very good chance that you do not know all of the details about what led up to the current circumstances.  Both parties are likely in distress and if they were your friends, both deserve your consideration.
  1.  Listen:  Sometimes, all your friend needs is someone to listen without judgment.  Allow them to share their feelings, thoughts, and concerns about the divorce.  Avoid giving advice unless they ask for it.
  1.  No Gossip:  It’s generally OK to let your friend’s circle of friends know how he or she is doing, or what they can do to help.  This does not mean that you can share everything you have learned.
  1.  Be Empathetic:  Understand that even the suggestion of separation or divorce is a difficult and emotional experience. Show empathy by acknowledging their feelings and validating their emotions.
  1.  Respect Their Privacy:  Divorce can be a sensitive topic.  Respect your friend’s boundaries and don’t pry into details they’re not comfortable sharing.  Don’t assume that you understand what happened.  Let them set the pace.  Odds are they need to talk, but it must be their idea; just be available for them.

 

 

  1.  Offer Practical Help:  Practical assistance can be valuable during challenging times.  Offer to help with daily tasks, such as cooking, cleaning, or running errands.  This can ease their burden, give them time to focus on healing, and they know that you care.
  1.  Stay in Touch:  Continue to reach out and stay connected.  Sometimes, people going through divorce might isolate themselves, and they may become depressed   –  so your consistent presence can remind them that they’re not alone.  If you were a friend to both, stay in touch with both.
  1.  Plan Distractions:  Divorce can be all-consuming, so suggest activities or outings that can offer a break from their worries. Engage in hobbies you both enjoy or explore new ones together.
  1.  Avoid Judgment:  Refrain from making negative comments about their partner, even if they’re venting frustrations.  Stay neutral, supportive, respectful, and caring.  They loved each other enough to form a relationship, and those feelings aren’t likely to be completely gone.
  1.  Encourage Professional Help:  If your friend is struggling with their emotions, encourage them to seek therapy or counselling.  A professional can provide them with the tools to cope and heal.  They are likely to share things with a counsellor that they may not wish to share with you.
  1.  Offer a Safe Space:  Let your friend know that your relationship is a safe space for them to express their feelings without fear of judgment.
  1.  Celebrate Small Wins:  Celebrate their progress and small victories along the way.  It could be as simple as getting through a tough day or making a positive decision.
  1.  Be Patient:  Healing from a divorce takes time.  Be patient and understanding, even if your friend’s mood or behaviour seems inconsistent.
  1.  Provide Resources:  You might choose to share helpful resources, such as books, articles, or support groups that they might find beneficial during their recovery process.
  1.  Avoid Comparisons:  Every divorce is unique, so avoid comparing their situation to others’ experiences.  Avoid comments like “You should have seen MY divorce…”.  What matters most is how they’re feeling and coping.  When people are in a lot of pain, they may not to be able to appreciate what you are doing.
  1.  Respect Their Choices:  Your friend might make decisions that you don’t agree with.  Respect their choices, even if you would have done things differently.
  1.  Remember Special Dates:  Be aware of important dates related to their divorce, such as the date it was finalized or their anniversary.  Offering support on these days can mean a lot.

Individuals and situations are all unique, and it is hard to know what to do all the time.  Just be sure that your friend(s) knows that you care, you are there, and that you want them to call on you if they need to.

 

 

If you have any suggestions for others, or suggestions to improve this page, please visit the Discussion Forum and let us know.  We welcome any opportunity to help others make use of what you have experienced in your relationships.
The author generated this text in part with GPT-3, OpenAI’s large-scale language-generation model. Upon generating draft language, the author reviewed, edited, and revised the language and content to their own preferences and expertise and takes ultimate responsibility for the content of this publication.  The information provided is offered in good faith, and reader is solely responsible for how they make use of the information.
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