
A separation or divorce is of course a very stressful event that can bring out the worst in us. One or both people involved will find communication very strained. Voices may be raised, legal threats may occur, guilt trips may be imposed. Often, particularly when it is a unilateral decision to separate, a man is seen as an abusive, gaslighting narcissist, or a woman is seen as a “psycho bitch”. Or both. It is very sad, but true. Whether we accept some of the blame ourselves or project it onto the other to protect our self image, these are very common outcomes of domestic strife.
A common piece of advice often given by friends (and sometimes by professionals) is to stop communicating with their partner entirely.
However, this approach also carries significant pitfalls. It can complicate co-parenting or grandparenting dynamics, making it challenging to coordinate visits or share information about the children’s needs and well-being. This lack of communication might inadvertently create stress or confusion for the children, who may feel caught in the middle. Additionally, the refusal to communicate can hinder opportunities for resolving misunderstandings or reaching mutually beneficial agreements.
Overall, while avoiding communication may be a necessary step for personal boundaries and peace, it’s important to consider how it will affect family dynamics and address any potential challenges in a constructive manner.
It is recommended that you view one or both of the videos below. There are some very good reasons why you should impose or cooperate with a “No Contact Rule”, and these videos will explain very clearly. There are pros and cons. Consider the content on this page very carefully.
Benefits: Refusing to communicate with an estranged partner can;
1. Offer benefits like personal peace and a clear boundary that may help you heal and move on from a relationship that one or both of you considered difficult. Both of you are likely to benefit from this space to breath.
2. Prevent further emotional turmoil and conflict, especially if past interactions have been contentious or harmful.
3. Reduce the possibility of harassment charges or fabricated legal complaints that are sure to complicate everything.
4. Give you space if you are unsure of your current emotional stability or that of your partner’s, it may not be the best time to have communications. It may be the time for you to talk to someone in your support system who you respect and trust to give you good advice. Your refusal to communicate need not be a permanent thing.
Costs: Refusing to communicate with an estranged partner can;
1. Create emotional strain on children: Children (or grandchildren) may struggle with the lack of communication between their parents or grandparents, potentially leading to feelings of confusion, guilt, neglect, rejection, or divided loyalty. They might also experience stress from being caught in the middle of unresolved conflicts. This remains true regardless of how old your children or grandchildren are.
2. Complicate co-parenting: Effective co-parenting relies on clear communication about children’s needs, schedules, and other important matters. A refusal to communicate can create logistical challenges, make it difficult to address urgent issues, and lead to disagreements that could have been resolved more easily with dialogue. Again, this is true regardless of the age of the children or grandchildren.
3. Escalate conflict: The absence of communication can sometimes exacerbate conflicts, as unresolved issues may fester and grow. Without a platform for discussing grievances or negotiating terms, misunderstandings and resentment might build up over time. Subjects that are relatively neutral can become issues that didn’t need to be.
4. Cause missed opportunities for resolution: Not communicating may mean missing out on opportunities to address and resolve underlying issues that could lead to more amicable arrangements or better mutual understanding. This can leave both parties in a prolonged state of dissatisfaction or discord.
5. Cause impact on extended family: The estrangement can also affect relationships with extended family members who might feel pressured to take sides or mediate conflicts. This can lead to strain within the broader family network. It isn’t at all uncommon for one of you to want to maintain relationships with other friends or family members that may be friends or family members of your partner.
6. Cause others to feel that you are thoughtless: There will be times when it is appropriate to congratulate or thank your partner for gifts, promotions, or any happy life event. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries – you can be judicious, but you might want to avoid being rude to someone who you may have to cooperate with in other matters.
7. Allow Misinformation to Flourish: If you aren’t communicating, your partner may be misled by misinformation from third parties or your own assumptions. Either of you may not become aware of significant events of interest to you both (e.g., emergencies or important celebrations involving relatives or friends.)
8. Allow cognitive distortions to flourish: The more time that elapses without contact, the more likely it is that you will form ideas about yourself and your partner that may not be accurate. When you have been hurt, a common defence mechanism kicks in; cognitive strategies happen that absolve you from blame, or allows you to project all or most of the blame to your partner. It is not at all uncommon for people to believe that their partner lies, engaged in inappropriate behaviours, subjected them to constant “gaslighting”, etc. Distortions of the truth happen when we close ourselves off to objective information.
9. Create handicaps for practical issues: Coordination of logistics, such as travel for visits or medical decisions, becomes more difficult without communication. This can lead to practical problems and added stress for all parties involved.
10. Prevent a Future Friendship: While the quality of the relationship with your partner might not be great at the moment, it is possible that your future former partner might become a great friend and ally some day. After all, you two presumably shared a close bond for a long time. If you refuse to have contact, this may prevent such a friendship from forming.
Keep in mind that separations or divorces are not just about you. Consider the effects that a refusal to communicate might have.
People who hope to learn more about this and other topics can benefit from your experiences and would like to know about what advice you can offer. Please consider sharing your experiences, and ask or answer questions they might have by participating in our discussion page.